What You Missed: This Week in Pop

We’ve only been back a week and the Sarah Lawrence community has already experienced an awkward combination of snow, mud, Segway races, long registration lines, reunions, tears, and beads of sweat at the Blue Room. Everyone has been busy, so curl up under your blankets for a few and let’s catch up on what Hollywood (mainly Beyonce) has been up to this week—if the stars’ children themselves haven’t already told you over a cigarette.

Heidi Klum will file for divorce from singer Seal, so make sure to buy your middle-aged single mom a raffle ticket for his first post-divorce date!

Rambling potato farmer Mark Wahlberg believes that if he were on a 9/11 plane, things would’ve ended differently and that he would have saved everybody. By stating this in an interview with the Men’s Journal, he singlehandedly disrespected every single 9/11 victim. Go away, Mark. Go wash some spuds.

 

 

 

Beyonce’s plush hospital floor was revealed on TMZ this week and I guarantee it’s bigger than any New York apartment you’ve ever seen. Everybody knows that $1.3 million is a lot of money to spend when you’re just going to be howling like a wolf and pooping on some tables.

Speaking of Honey-B, you know the poem that Blue Ivy Carter’s father , Jay-Z, wrote in which he swore off using the questionable term “bitch”? Well, it’s fake! Thank God, though. It would be a sad day if a wildly misogynistic father didn’t raise Blue Ivy Carter.

Paula Deen, who I once thought was simply a sweet overweight woman who only wanted to have a good time, just revealed that she has secretly suffered from Type-2 diabeetus for the past three years (while hawking wildly unhealthy food),only revealing her condition upon signing a lucrative advertisement deal with a  prescription drug company. Paula, you can keep making love to your tater tots, getting hit in the face with turkeys, and yucking it up with Kathy Griffin, but I will no longer be tempted to buy your dishware or one of your blood sugar spiking cookbooks.

American Idol season 11 premiered and I’m just going to assume that a lot of wholesome white people sang well, some minorities had tragic stories and went home with a golden ticket, and a possibly gay 16-year-old boy had a good voice but was just too theatrical to move on in the competition. Throw in some fame-hungry and unfunny bad singers, Steven Tyler hitting on young women, and your mom asking where Simon is, and you’ve pretty much got the four-hour premiere.

America’s least funny comedian Whitney Cummings is coming to the defense of America’s newest blip on the radar, Lana Del Rey, for sucking in general. Both of you ladies have bombed on a national scale, so please just go away and join Mark Wahlberg on his potato farm.

And finally, Hillary Clinton look-a-like contest winner, Grammy-winning Etta James, passed away this week and her last words were: “Don’t invite Beyonce.”

Alex Hughes is a sophomore at Sarah Lawrence. He was born in the Bible Belt and works as an editorial assistant at The Faster Times. You can follow him on Twitter @TheAlexHughes.

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