What You Missed: This Week In Pop

The Blue Room is a construction zone, the backyard of Tittiesworth looks like an apocalyptic film set, and there’s no hot water in Hill House! So what’s a girl, or gay, or maybe even straight boy to do?! Let’s talk shit because that’s what real friends do.

Celebrity sighting double decker bus tour guide Paris Hilton thinks gays are disgustingand probably all have AIDS, especially if you use Grindr. Unfortunately for her, gays are the only ones who buy her eponymous perfumes and watched My New BFF, so there goes her empire!

The debut trailer for Lindsay Lohan’s upcoming (TV!) movie, Liz & Dick, was released, but of course she doesn’t want us to actually focus on her career so she had to possibly, but probably not, hit a guy with her Porsche! The starlet was arrested for fleeing the scene of the “crime.” In reality, the dude from Jersey City hanging out in midtown is most likely just looking to get some fraudulent money from the insurance company. Anyone who hangs out in midtown at night is bad news.

Fiona Apple shows you why you should never go to Texas: she faces up to 10 years in prison after being caught with some weed.

A British girl is topless and claiming that she’s royalty? Are we in the Blue Room? Oh, wait, no, it’s just clueless Kate Middleton who was sunbathing topless and is surprised someone took a picture.

Judge Trudy finally charged Amanda Bynes with driving on a suspended license and impounded her car. I hope her dealer delivers!

I’m actually going to end on a positive note for once and inform you that LMFAO is broken up. You’re welcome.

Alex Hughes is a sophomore at Sarah Lawrence. He was born in the Bible Belt and works as an editorial assistant at The Faster Times. You can follow him on Twitter @TheAlexHughes.

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