It’s only been two weeks back at Sarah Lawrence but I know almost all of you are already tired of dissecting the sexuality of women in a Philippine’s village and sweating your pretty much exposed tits off in the library, so it’s time to gossip about celebrities. And no, not Emma Roberts. And no, not the kids on campus who think they’re celebrities. Real celebrities, except for Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively who we all know actually moonlight as landlords in the Bronx. But anyway, for the most part, real celebrities.
Britney Spears made so many (cute!) faces on this week’s premiere of “The X-Factor,” but most of them were disappointingly directed at you for not watching.
I know Bates is worse than most prison food, but thank God you don’t have to eat with Honey Boo Boo for dinner. Besides peeing on their couches and frequently pondering the appropriateness of farting at the table, their favorite meal is pasta noodles topped with melted butter and ketchup. (I’m serious.)
Forever superstar Amanda Bynes enjoys smoking bowls in her car and then getting in wrecks and running away from the scene of the crime. Los Angeles cops are telling TMZ that they’re scared she’ll kill someone. That’s interesting and everything, but when is “The Amanda Show” going to come back, hm? Let’s focus on the important things.
The perfect robot Suri Cruise played on a tire swing with with unworthy plebians this week in Manhattan. Little did Suri know is that the toddlers were Scientology spies and all that bitching she did about her dad’s work in War of the Worlds is not going to get her an extra large deposit into her trust fund anytime soon.
Dental technician Ryan Reynolds and kid’s hair salon secretary Blake Lively got married over the weekend. Does anyone care?
Obama proves that he’s smarter than all of us by realizing that Nicki Minaj was only joking when she said she would be voting Mitt Romney for President. Can we just skip the election and let him start his second term already?
Chris Brown got a new neck tattoo of a battered woman’s face, so In case any of you guys somehow forgot, Chris Brown is still an asshole.
And speaking of assholes, Katy Perry’s vagina buddy is not a fan of Young Money, visibly saying “I hate these assholes.” when the group won an award at last week’s MTV Video Music Awards.
And finally, surprise! Jay-Z never supported Occupy Wall Street (or even knew what it was). Sarah Lawrence will have a school-sanctioned moment of silence so that everyone can wipe their tears in their 900-thread count sheets, throw out their Beyonce perfume, burn their $800 Watch The Throne tickets, and slip on their Beats by Dr. Dre and flip through their new iPhone 5 trying to find a new favorite artist to angrily fall asleep to.