What you missed: this week in pop

IT IS TABLOID OFFICIAL: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are together, have been spotted all over NYC, and are experimenting with a public relationship. Kanye even rapped about the reality starlet in his latest song. Meanwhile, Kim’s ex, the ogre Kris Humphries, is posing in his undies and thinks hipsters are actually starving homeless people.

Kristen Wiig, Andy Samberg, and Jason Sudeikis are all reportedly leaving Saturday Night Live at the end of the season to focus on their burgeoning film careers, leaving the guy with the weird name from Moody’s Point to take over.

Speaking of The Amanda Show, pink-haired actress Amanda Bynes was arrested a DUI Monday morning. What will Judge Trudy think of this?!

Hilary Duff’s son is probably the cutest two-week-old you’ve ever seen. Usually they look so much more busted up and alien-like! Prediction: Aaron Carter is actually the baby daddy.

Ugly penis Channing Tatum was possibly molested by the old-ass hand of Sunglass Hut manager Elton John, who currently looks like an 85-year-old woman.

Zayn Malik, the most amazing member of One Direction, was photographed smoking a cigarette shirtless before heading off to perform on Sunday’s Kid’s Choice Awards. I can’t wait to see him on The Surreal Life in 15 years.

Rihanna explains why she’s been secretly hooking up with violent ex Chris Brown over the past year, by saying “”I’m still going to do what I want to do.” What Rihanna doesn’t want to do: be a cool person.

MDNA is Madonna’s eighth #1 album in the U.S., selling 350,000+ copies, proving the pop queen is still more powerful than many of today’s top acts. Could Ashley Tisdale do this? No.

Do you remember the Octomom? Well you don’t remember these goddamn eyebrows.

Tanning salon front desk assistant Michael Sorrentino, Jersey Shore’s The Situation, is out of rehab. Unfortunately, he is still addicted to being an asswipe.

And lastly, here’s a gallery of celebrities who look like mattresses.

Alex Hughes is a sophomore at Sarah Lawrence. He was born in the Bible Belt and works as an editorial assistant at The Faster Times. You can follow him on Twitter @TheAlexHughes.

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