What I Don’t Want to Be When I Grow Up

I never want to have a middle part or a comb over. Can women have comb overs? Regardless, I don’t want one. I never want to drink decaf coffee because by the time I don’t need to stay up until 3 in the morning in a caffeine-induced haze, I should be drinking green tea at all times. They say it’s life lengthening and actually builds a shield against UV rays. Yes please.

I never want to wear tennis shoes with my slacks. Or tennis shoes in public in general. Even when I am wrinkled and hobbling, I will wear cute Keds or oxfords. Old-person shoes are not only an obvious statement of agedness, but they are also simply ugly. I will never submit defeat to thick-soled, nude colored comfort booties.

Have you seen those couples that sit at restaurants not talking to each other? If you haven’t, you don’t go out enough. They are, sadly, everywhere. I will never be one half of that image. If I have to make a list of the most interesting Economist headlines, if only to guess at their meaning, I will do it. If I have to play a game of Concentration complete with hand clapping, I’ll make it happen. I once had a boyfriend who said, “silence can mean as much as speaking. You’re just too tense.” Bullshit, man. Yes, silence can signify comfort and understanding, but speaking creates connection. If I want to be silent, I will do it at home.

I will never lose track of the state of the world. Whether it all becomes voice controlled or airborne, I will be a part of what is cutting edge. As the speed of technology accelerates, I keep meeting adults who don’t understand this “new media phenomenon” [as you read that, imagine me saying it in a quavering, crotchety voice]. I’m sure there will be bits that escape me, like whatever offensive new music is on the radio. But though I promise not to embarrass my children by attending any spaceship raves, I will be aware of their existence. And sometimes, I’ll play robot techno in my flying car.


Featured Image: babyccinokids.com

Ella Riley-Adams (Founder, Editor-in-chief) comes from a small town in Southern Oregon. She enjoys champagne, soccer and swimming in ponds. When not immersed in Sarah Lawrence affairs, Ella works for NYC marketing and tech blog The New York Egotist and The Faster Times. Follow her on twitter @ellarileyadams.

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