We'll never reveal how many items on the original bucket list we have crossed off (wow, I'm absolutely basking in the intrigue I've just created, especially in using the plural first-person. I mean, wow), but we gift you with the following—the secret to success at SLC. Trust.
1) Quote Foucault
...and mean it.
2) Sit on top of Yoko with a friend or two and talk shit at some obscure hour
...and learn the hard way that, somehow, when gossiping about someone, you're going to spot them and/or their best friend walking down that diagonal path, certainly within earshot. It's like clockwork. I'm only mildly confident that I used that expression correctly.
3) Steal toilet paper from someone
...when the Purple Door is closed :'(
4) Take the Trader Joe's van.
Update: Better yet, drive the TJ's van. No one is running it this semester and so many people here are rightfully crushed! I passed the van drivers' test with flying colors (No, Dad, those colors weren't all red lights I was running), but my Massachusetts upbringing betrayed me during the driving record check.
5) Thank your shuttle driver.
They don't get paid enough to listen to you not-at-all-humble-brag about getting your dad's secretary to write your cover letters for you.
6) Go to a secret party in the PAC.
*Funny or Die whisper*: "Exclusive!"
7) Use the word "postmodern" in a sentence
8) Use the bathroom in Westlands at an obscure hour.
Bonus points for a knowing nod from whoever is working the desk. Thanks for the emotional support.
9) Have a meal at Bates with Sam Seigle
...and run whatever errand he requests—usually to bring him a fork or something—and cherish every second of it. "I'm 85, but I move like I'm 86!"
10) DON'T consume a smoothie from the library cafe.
It's syrup, not real fruit. Have some self-respect! They don't even use real bananas! And it dares call itself "Copyright Cafe." There's nothing right about it. The hypocrisy, the theft—of innocence! Going from full-on "dad" to that one dramatic kid standing on the table of the cafeteria making an impassioned speech before realizing that everyone is staring at them and their best friend hangs his head in his hands and despairs over a math test for which he didn't study and ends up getting a D because he made the clearly wrong decision by copying his partner's—who also didn't study (WHAT?!)—work, on every episode of every kid's show ever, *inhale* was a thrill.
11) Drink Blue&Yellow tea from the TeaHaus.
Or is it Yellow&Blue? Whatever. Regardless, enjoy the best nap of your life, and the fact that I wasn't there to go all "dad" on everyone in the vicinity. "Wait, doesn't that just mean green tea? HA! Becau... blue, and... yeh—I'll just be jettisoning myself into the sun now, thanks. BTW, killer lemon bars the other day! JUST KIDDING because you ran out 30 minutes before anyone saw your Facebook post. AND! You could have definitely done a better job cleaning the crumbs off the plate. Yeah, I get the wholesome-warm-cuddly aesthetic of pastry crumbs on a plate. I'm really, sincerely so happy for you. But you just told me that you sold out of them an hour ago, and you're literally scrolling through Facebook on your laptop (covered in stickers of which you definitely won't be ashamed at your next internship.) If you were reading Rousseau, I'd let it slide. But, my god, there's a cute poem by the door about us capping the honey bottle so that the Haus doesn't "get ants 🙁 ." Talk about social contracts, yeesh...
But anyway, the TeaHaus is a wonderful place that's absolutely raking that karma in, and I'm sure you'll meet someone happy to give you your first stick-and-poke. You wonderful, wide-eyed first-years, bask in your youth!
12) Go to the Comedy Cellar
...and miss the last train to Bronxville. Honey, 21 never looked so good. Especially on a Monday when I slept through the ol' BV stop and woke up in White Plains at 9:00 AM, still buzzed on my first legal martinis and Dave Chappelle making a surprise appearance. I'm fine.
13) Go to a 6th-floor Hill party.
Revered as "like the Wild, Wild West up there!" by a sophomore.
14) Host a party
...and realize how much it sucks to clean up while hungover. Or, for some people, how easy it is to get your housemates to clean up for you... You know who you are, and you owe me.
15) Go to Lampoon.
Katy Greskovich is going to be on SNL. Pretty sure acknowledging that is not only in the Student Handbook and the thing you signed when you enrolled here, but probs Exodus. Or another leaf outta the ol' "Bibe."
16) Thank your Pub chef.
Even if just for showing you tough love, by pointing out that after leaving the building for 15 minutes, you maintain the audacity to bitch that your fries are cold. Yeah, I saw that interaction, and you totally deserved that.
17) Question your sexuality.
However you define it.
18) Own your sexuality.
Absolutely however you define it.
19) Submit to SLC Speaks.
20) Befriend an MTA conductor.
What's up, Dave and Rob? ily<3... Yes, they're real people. I will absolutely tell you all about Dave's book and how he has conditioned me to never again put my feet up on the seat in front of me, no matter how late it is, for how many hours I worked at my internship that day, or how much reading I have to do for tomorrow.