This Week in Pop, September 28th

Close the Economics books and the Jane Austen because I have new Beyonce news and everybody knows she’s more important than pre-planning for your conference work.

But first…Jersey Shore’s Jenni “JWoww” got engaged to her longtime boyfriend Roger this week, joining the soon-to-be married life with co-star Nicole “Snooki.” You can say whatever you wish about these ladies, but they were never stars of 16 and Pregnant.

Here’s something many of you liberal, high-minded feminists will find it difficult to choke down but, Alanna Thompson, or Honey Boo Boo as she’s better known, has done more for gay rights than you ever have. The little one proclaimed, “Ain’t nothin’ wrong with bein’ a little gay,” to the 2.8 million viewers who watch her on TLC every week.

Thankfully Tina Fey forgot how much money she has and will bless us mortals with more television shows in the future.

Dog groomer Ann Romney was spotted eating dinner at the celebrity-heavy The Ivy restaurant in L.A. which can only mean that she totes wants to get a reality show after her husband loses on election day.

The New Yorker published a thousand-page long profile of J.K. Rowling in promotion for the release of her first adult book, The Casual Vacancy. Strangely enough, the article can’t go more than two sentences without making a Harry Potter reference, which gets kind of awkward when they start talking about manginas.

America’s Queen Kim Kardashian may have ANOTHER sex tape, this time with Kanye West! If the scandal turns out to be true, I hope Kanye will let us know which one of his albums would work best as a soundtrack.

Ke$ha’s new single “Die Young” was released and it’s about 10,000 times better than any hipster shit I hear blasting from Slonim Woods.

Is goddess Beyonce pregnant again?! Supposedly yes!!!! This means that you don’t have to go to class today and everybody is allowed to start drinking at 2 p.m., not just the percentage of students who are always wasted by noon.

Alex Hughes is a sophomore at Sarah Lawrence. He was born in the Bible Belt and works as an editorial assistant at The Faster Times. You can follow him on Twitter @TheAlexHughes.

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