Loving SLC: Egg Sandwiches at the Pub

Two things in life are guaranteed at the Pub: I will have to wait 15 minutes for my food and the egg sandwiches will bring me to orgasm. Everything else is up in the air. It’s possible that there won’t be any yellow Vitamin Water or those double-serving packs of M&Ms left. I never know if there will be a cashier in sight or if a cook will refer to me as “Papi.” The chicken tenders are frequently overcooked and the focaccia bread is occasionally stale. But the egg sandwiches are always perfection.

As a first year I heard a lot about Bates brunch. I was told things like: “Oh my God, Bates brunch is the best thing about the weekend!” and “You can make your own waffle and put whipped cream on it!!” Not one of these things blew my skirt up, and the one time that I did go to brunch I would have rather been at a continental breakfast at the Yonkers Days Inn sharing a table with a low-priced hooker.

So to the Sarah Lawrence student body: I am ready to introduce you to the world of brunch at the Pub, a rarely talked about oasis of sensual foods without the rush and rude workers of Pub lunch.

Any sour feelings from the night before, residual alcohol in my stomach, or large clouds of cigarette smoke hanging in my lungs are all vanquished the second I bite into a bacon, egg, and American cheese sandwich on a toasted onion bagel. I sip on my Nantucket Nectar orange juice, nibble on my hash brown (just as good as McDonald’s), and sometimes take a forkful of my extra pile of pancakes. I’ve seen students put avocado, tomato, hot sauce, ketchup, and hash browns into their sammiches; you have more options than lesbians at Sarah Lawrence.

And, it should be noted, as a person who doesn’t give a shit about eating and would rather swallow a nutritious pill three times a day, it is a big deal for me to be so worked up about a culinary masterpiece. It’s been said that if egg sandwiches were available all day that they might be the only thing I ever ate.

So to all of the wildly attractive freshmen and depressed sophomores thinking of transferring to NYU, please sit down, relax, drink some water to get sober, and order an egg sandwich at the Pub. NYU may have Dunkin’ Donuts and Chick-Fil-A, but they do not have this bagel-y orgasm.

Alex Hughes is a sophomore at Sarah Lawrence. He was born in the Bible Belt and works as an editorial assistant at The Faster Times. You can follow him on Twitter @TheAlexHughes.

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