Kardashians at Cross County: A Journey of Hope, Endurance and Corn Muffins

On Friday, September 14th, the Kardashians held a meet-and-greet at the Cross County Sears to celebrate the one-year anniversary of their Kardashian Kollection. Below is a first-hand account of the event.

6:30 a.m. – 4:30 p.m. – Endurance Line Standing

Bound by a promise to obtain autographs for a friend, and free from classes or other academic obligations, I arrive at Sears around half past 6. Although the line has only started half an hour ago, there are already a hundred, if not more, malingering fans lined up against the building. Scores of security staff dot the premises, alongside a dozen Yonkers police officers. I find my place among the mostly college-aged women, and sit. I sit some more. I continue to do this for the next four and a half hours.

At one point I give my numbed glutes a reprieve by walking across to the parking lot, where a woman manages her cart stocked with baked goods, coffee and Ring Pops. I purchase a corn muffin, which which will eventually make sweet love to my gastrointestinal system through constant cramping and irrepressible gas.

By the fifth hour of Endurance Outdoor Sitting (11 a.m., if you’re keeping count), they are here – our wristbands, gleaming red “KK”-emblazoned straps which are promptly distributed as the store doors are opened. By 11:30 I present an employee with my golden ticket: a $10.84 receipt for the most alliterative purchase I have ever made, a klassy Kardashian Kollection kocktail ring.

Once inside, I sit down again (I’m really getting the hang of this!), and notice that the sensation of cold linoleum against my mostly-bare legs does not pair well with an upset stomach. Everyone within smelling distance discovers this as well.

By 2 p.m., a handful of reporters from publications including The Wall Street Journal trails the line, stopping occasionally to solicit an interview. Although I am mildly disappointed that no one decides to approach me, I am inspired to find that the flatlining pulse of American journalism still beats in the Sears women’s department, right between The Petite Suite and checkout.

Unfortunately, despite the initial ripples of energy cast by the news reporters’ presence, conversation lulls. Surrounding discussions range from Kardashian twitter updates (“Kourtney just tweeted a picture of her breast pump!”), to reflections on the Kardashians’ Real Life beauty (“They’re like, even prettier in Real Life”), to Wendy Williams (“Sometimes she likes to pull off her wig in the middle of her show”).

At last, a few minutes past 4 p.m., security guards descend from the elevator, followed by an immaculate high ponytail and two additional scalps (this is all I can see from my position behind the line). A teenage girl, having just been witness to this spectacle, yells “Oh my God she’s so beautiful!” as she runs back and probably explodes in a blaze of high-strung hormonal excitement.

The line begins to move.

When I reach the front of the velvet rope, I am instructed to hand over my backpack and all electronic devices to a Sears employee, because of course the only thing I would want after waiting for TEN HOURS in this department storeprison is certainly not a photo of me with the Kardashians.

Nonetheless I comply, and am quickly ushered toward a draped table where the Kardashian sisters sit. I am now standing two feet away from Kim Kardashian. Be still, my beating heart.

4:30 p.m. – 4:31 p.m. – Meeting and Greeting

For the first few seconds I stare blankly ahead, because my frazzled brain is having a difficult time processing everything: the impossible symmetry of Kim’s face, the stunning slopes of her cheekbones, and the eerie feat that is her eyelash length.

For the first few seconds I stare blankly ahead, because my frazzled brain is having a difficult time processing everything: the impossible symmetry of Kim’s face, the stunning slopes of her cheekbones, and the eerie feat that is her eyelash length.

“Thank you for coming today,” she says.

“You’re welcome. You look great today,” I tell the eyelashes.

“Thank you,” Kim replies. “So do you.”

I am astounded that Kim Kardashian, current object of Kayne West’s beautiful dark twisted fantasies, has just paid me a compliment. “That’s preposterous,” I want to respond, “Because you’re like a solid 10 and I’m a tenuous 2.3, and you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I collect myself. “I hope Kanye’s doing well,” I utter, because I so clever and me real good at conversation talk.

“Yes, he is, thank you for asking,” she responds.

From this brief exchange, I feel qualified to report that Kim’s speech is characterized by a stilted pace, strained politeness, and an unsettling lack of inflection. This may be justified by the fact that Sears had been hoping to get through some 400-600 fans that day – that’s a lot of exchanging stale formalities, graciously accepting the same compliments, and maintaining a sense of interest in bleary-eyed strangers, some of whom might smell bad and be gassy from early morning corn muffins. However, I can’t help feeling flustered by Kim’s overtly mechanical delivery, which combined with her flawless appearance, creates a 90% chance that she is an android.

I then take a step to my right, towards Kourtney. I blink at her widow’s peak as she continues to sign her stack of 8 ½ x 11 portraits. She fails to look up at me. Her loss, because I was prepared to regale her with the story of that one time I sat next to her partner Scott Disick at JFK, and he was wearing a really nice watch and loafers, and I was too intimidated to ask him for a photo, the end.

Finally, I approach Khloé Kardashian-Odom (the event organizers have arranged the Kardashians in increasing order of personality). After greeting her with effusive compliments, I ask that that she sign her name “Queen Khloé,” an apt nickname bestowed upon her by my friend.

She freezes, then leans over to Kourtney and whispers in her ear.

“This creepy loser just asked me to sign as ‘Queen Khloé,’” I imagine her muttering, “and she totally smells like corn muffins.” Heartbreak. Alternatively, I wonder if I’ve just broken one of the meet-and-greet stipulations (am I not allowed to make special signature requests?), and Khloé is now deliberating a way to have me escorted out by security.

After a nerve-racking pause Kourtney replies with “Q-U…” and my crushed soul is renewed because Khloé isn’t in fact plotting to have me heaved out of the building, although I am now gravely concerned about Her Majesty’s spelling abilities. No matter, because I am soon handed a photograph with three signatures, and the final one reads “Queen Khloé.” I depart with a relieved “Thank you!” and am at long last, free.

Epilogue

Apparently the mayor of Yonkers was in attendance to declare September 14th “National Kardashian Sisters Day” (hey, let’s all cry about the demise of our country together!), although I was too far from the stage to corroborate this. Now you know – don’t forget to celebrate next year!

Photo credit: Mindy Lee

Mindy Lee (Editor, “Wanderlust”) is a senior studying writing and anthropology. She feels uncomfortable describing herself in the third person.

2 Comments

  • Reply September 21, 2012

    you know.

    i love you. i love this. it amazing.

  • Reply September 22, 2012

    olivia

    This is a great piece! I’m disappointed that the K sisters were so rude to you but not surprised that the were rude

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