How to Subtly Stalk Celebrities

Over spring break it dawned on me that I’m on my way to get a liberal arts degree. What the fuck am I supposed to do with a liberal arts degree? I figure that I have two options: either I write the next Harry Potter, or marry rich. Let’s face it—the likelihood of me writing a seven book series that the entire world is familiar with is very slim.  So, I decided that next best thing was to marry Harry Potter, also known as Daniel Radcliffe.

Every since I was twelve, it’s been my dream to marry Rupert Grint, who plays Ron Weasley in the movies. I vowed to steal him away from Hermione Granger and have his ginger children. But as I grew older, my dreams changed. They became more realistic. I understand now that it’s almost impossible for me to trick Rupert Grint into marrying me. He lives in Britain and I’m in New York, and the distance between us is way too inconvenient. Daniel Radcliffe, on the other hand, is currently in the city starring in the Broadway musical “How to Succeed.” And although Daniel Radcliffe has his flaws, (we all saw that awkward kiss with Ginny Weasley in the sixth movie) I’ve decided that he’s marriage material. So, I’ve come up with a five-step plan to win his heart and weasel my way into his bank account.

Diminutive Daniel on his desk, looking like prime marriage material.

Step One: Go see “How to Succeed”

Although Broadway tickets are typically expensive, I look at this as an investment in my future. What’s thirty to sixty dollars when my plan is to marry a multimillionaire? Plus, I find it fascinating when British people speak with American accents.


Step Two: Wait outside for the cast to come out.

Typically after a Broadway play, the cast comes out and greets the fans, but considering how famous Daniel is, I doubt he’ll come out immediately after the performance.  But I’m determined to wait. I mean, he has to come out some time, right? Worst come to worst, I’ll pull the fire alarm or something; smoke him out. I know, it’s fine if you pull the fire alarm for no reason, but like I said earlier, my plan is to marry a multimillionaire.


Step 3:  Meet Daniel

This is probably going to be a little more difficult than I expect. He’s about 5’6” and he’s going to be surrounded by people, especially if I pull the fire alarm. Once I spot him, I plan to discreetly bump into him and apologize profusely. I’ll make sure my tits are out, too. Once the ice is broken I’ll say, “You look really familiar. Have we met?” Of course he’ll say, “No, you probably recognize me from the Harry Potter films.” Bam. I’m in, and I don’t look like the crazy stalker that I really am.


Step 4: Recite a really cheesy pick-up line.

I know quite a few. I think it’d be more than appropriate to use on of my many Harry Potter pickup lines on him. Probably not one as forward as “I want your basilisk to get into my chamber of secrets.” That’s more of a third date kind of statement. I was think about using one a little more mild like, “If you were a Dementor, I’d become a criminal just so you’d kiss me,” or “Did you survive Avada Kedavra? ‘Cause you’re drop dead gorgeous.” Once he hears my pickup line he’ll be enchanted by my awkward charm and fall in love.


Step 5: Get Married

Although it might be a tad uncomfortable having Rupert Grint being Daniel’s best man, I’m positive that it’ll be a lovely wedding. I’ll walk down the aisle in my wizard robes and Dumbledore will perform the ceremony. At the reception, chocolate frogs will litter the guests’ tables and Bertie Bots Every Flavor Beans will be spat out into cloth napkins. It will be a wedding to remember and a marriage that will last forever.


Call me delusional, but how many Sarah Lawrence students have realistic future plans? Plus, I figure if I stalk enough celebrities that at least one will fall for creepy charisma. I have endless cheesy pickup lines and if worst comes to worst I can use my full-proof line, “Does this rag smell like chloroform?” As you can tell, I have a bright future ahead of me.


Photo Credit: Paul Head

Shannon Elward is just your average California girl. She’s obsessed with hot sauce, Gilmore Girls, and the smell of the rain. When she’s not studying writing, literature, or physics, she’s busy playing Halo and watching reality TV. Her lifelong goal is to be either a Disney princess or a professor at Hogwarts.


  • Reply April 3, 2011

    Charlie Hunt

    Excellent story, it made me laugh. keep up the writing! Charlie

  • Reply April 5, 2011

    Anna Quinlan

    THIS IS SO FUNNY!! I love this so much, perfectly executed.

  • Reply April 29, 2011

    Carol Hatcher

    Well Done Shannon!

    Kind regards,
    Carol Hatcher (Terry Hatcher’s mom)

  • Reply June 23, 2011


    While trying to figure out if Daniel signs autographs after “How to Succeed” my mom and I just stumbled upon this. My mom laughed so hard she cried and I wasn’t far behind. Keep on being hilarious!

  • Reply August 27, 2011


    You are hilarious! I really hope this plan works out for you…I will honestly be so disappointed if it doesn’t!

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