Celebrity Crushes: How to Move On

There are lots of advantages to living so close to New York City.  You can get great pizza for a dollar a slice, find great designer knock-offs, and there are celebrities everywhere. All of my friends who go to school in New York have gotten to meet at least one. People have gotten to schmooze with Johnny Depp, Natalie Portman, and members from the Glee cast. They say their hellos, take their pictures, get their autographs, and go on their merry way.

If I ever met a celebrity, I wouldn’t just fucking take a picture, I would get a proposal! I have big plans to marry someone rich and famous, but I have yet to run into someone I can sink my claws into. So, it was really exciting when I got tickets to the Broadway play “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying” starring Daniel Radcliffe, for my birthday. It was finally my chance to put my plan into action and to get some action.

As some of you read in my other article, I had a five-step plan for meeting and marrying Dan. My scheme was to go see him in his musical and wait for him outside until he came out and then charm him. Well, unfortunately, it didn’t go as planned.

The musical was absolutely amazing. Dan was hilarious, beautiful, and talented (everything that my future husband should be). The set was spectacular and the numbers made me giddy. I made one fatal mistake though: I didn’t leave early.

I was so dumb in not realizing that I’m not the only one who wants to marry DanRad. These stupid, slutty girls were smarter than me and left before the performance was over to get in line to meet him. So by the time I got outside, there were about fifty people crowding the stage door. FUCK! Ordinarily, I would have screamed, “Move, bitch! Get out the way, bitch. Get out the way,” but I had just gotten strep throat and I lost my voice. So, try as I might, I could barely manage a squeak. I elbowed my way to the middle, but how was I going to accidentally run into him if I couldn’t even squeeze my way to the front?

As I suspected, I was barely able to see him. It turns out that Daniel Radcliffe is fucking short. I only got to see the back of his head. All the while, I was trying to shout (with the voice that I had left), “Excuse me, Daniel. Can I talk to you for a minute? The back of your head is RIDICULOUS!” and, “Can I have yo’ number? Can I? Can I have it?” Of course, the asshole didn’t hear me. Apparently, his ego was drowning out my witty pleadings.



Photo Credit: Robyn Soetikno

Let’s face it. I totally failed at getting Daniel to marry me. The play was wonderful, but  the execution of my plan was not. Plus,if we did get married, I’d probably have to squat down to kiss him at the alter. Embarrassing. Now that I look back on it, I’m way too good for DanRad. I deserve a celebrity who enjoys my MadTv references and is tall enough to play basketball. I plan on finding a man who can be everything I need him to be: rich, smart, funny, handsome, and famous. DanRad is obviously not that guy. I’ll just have to save my charm for someone like Joseph Gordon-Levitt or James Franco. Sorry DRad, I have taller fish to fry.


Featured Image: Google Images

Shannon Elward is just your average California girl. She’s obsessed with hot sauce, Gilmore Girls, and the smell of the rain. When she’s not studying writing, literature, or physics, she’s busy playing Halo and watching reality TV. Her lifelong goal is to be either a Disney princess or a professor at Hogwarts.

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