Sydney and I are friends. We take selfies together. We laugh together. We cuddle together. We go on walks together. We pick outfits together. We watch Gossip Girl together. We discuss politics together. We cook Trader Joes pasta together. We wander aimlessly around Brooklyn together. We also enjoy posting ridiculously overpriced, hideous fashion items on each other’s Facebook walls. Why do we do this, you ask? Mostly, to distract ourselves from our tremendous workload, and to annoy/entertain (???) our mutual friends on their news feeds.
This hobby has transformed into a critique of the fashion industry, which continually jacks up prices on useless, ugly shit that people don’t need. Our inboxes are constantly flooded with emails promoting festive “Gift Guides,” which usually cause us anxiety and a certain form of hilarity. Sydney and I have decided to create an anti gift guide, featuring some really ugly, expensive crap that you shouldn’t buy this season. This is our gift to you! Happy (not) shopping.
Sydney: For $3,000, you can look like a bird of paradise threw up on your head (Net-A-Porter, Philip Treacy, $2,855).
Sydney: Just in case everyone didn’t know you were a star, you can show them! For only $500 (Net-A-Porter, Piers Atkinson, $515).
Hannah: The only way I could possibly justify buying this $400 ‘embrace’ cuff is if it came with an equally high fashion man to embrace me. Preferably not made out of solid brass, though.”
Sydney: “I would only accept the high fashion man that came with it if he were made out of solid brass” (Needsupply, Winden, $435).
Sydney: $650. For Bambi’s ass to keep your neck warm (Net-A-Porter, Givenchy, $650).
Sydney: Mickey mouse ears? But with nipples (Net-A-Porter, Piers Atkinson, $405).
Sydney: It’s called “DumboStyle”. It’s super in right now. You can actually fly if you wear it (Net-A-Porter, $455).
Sydney: Because I know you want bugs in your hair (Net-A-Porter, Eugenia Kim, $240).
Sydney: Is it a scarf? Maybe. Is it a Poncho? Possibly. Is it hideous? Definitely (Net-A-Porter, Karl Donoghue, $585).
Hannah: Hat/umbrella/face shield??? It’s multipurpose, clearly (Net-A-Porter, Lanvin, $2,890).
Hannah: We call this the Totoro hat (Net-A-Porter, Eugenia Kim, $315).
Sydney: To warm your head (Bloomingdales, $895).
Charlotte Kinberger: “That poor, poor goat” (Net-A-Porter, Antonio Beradi, $12,390).
Sydney: If your swimsuit doesn’t come with a cape, you’re doing it wrong (BlackMilk, $110).
Hannah: It’s literally called a trash dress. And that is where it belongs (Nastygal, $325).
Hannah: Jeffrey Campbell made a SOCK heel. It’s like the footwear version of a 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner combo?? (Nastygal, Jeffrey Campbell, $158)
Sydney: Well, it’s vegan… And gluten free (Urban Outfitters, $159).
Sydney: Because an even $800 would have been too much when hideously appropriating a culture (Urban Outfitters, “One-of-a-kind Moroccan Wedding Blanket,” $799).
Written by Hannah Gottlieb-Graham and Sydney Thompson.