Step One: Come up with believable excuses.
What annoys me the most when I go home for breaks is how many people assume that we’re going to hang out. Everyone’s like, “Hey, we haven’t talked in about two years, but you’re obligated to hang out with me because we graduated together.” Unfortunately, telling them to fuck off is socially unacceptable. So it’s important that you come up with stellar excuses that people can’t work around. I have a couple favorites.
The first revolves around inventing a random family-oriented event, like a baptism or a rehearsal dinner. When the person you’re trying to blow off asks you who the event’s for, tell them it’s for your second cousin. Second cousins are boring, believable, and are always inviting you to stupid things. You gotta be careful though, because things like baptisms can’t happen on Tuesdays. So if it’s a weekday event you want to get out of, my friend likes to use the classic doctor’s appointment excuse. She’s smart about it. She always says she has an eye doctor appointment; it’s both vague and specific. But don’t be stupid and blow off your friends for another social event. There’s nothing worse than getting caught lying on Facebook. Remember: no check-ins, no photos.
Step Two: Get addicted to something you don’t have time for.
You have two wonderful weeks to do absolutely nothing, and I find that doing nothing is more enjoyable when you have a new show that you can’t get enough of. Thank goodness for Netflix Instant or you’d actually have to watch commercials. You’re in luck too because Toddlers and Tiaras has a whole new season. I know, you’re too good for reality TV, but hush, I won’t tell. You work all year reading Proust, Freud, and Tolstoy—you can watch something a little trashy. There are great shows like Jersey Shore, Secret Life of an American Teenager, Lie to Me, The Office, and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I’m currently working my way through Charmed, which has convinced me that I’m going to get my powers any day now.
If for some crazy reason you don’t have Netflix or don’t like TV, don’t worry. There are plenty of internet games to get addicted to. I recommend Neopets, but if having a virtual pet is too much responsibility for you, there are wonderful Facebook games like ItGirl, Sims Social, or Words With Friends. If you’re playing Words With Friends, don’t forget to cheat. You don’t want to look stupid to that guy who you had a crush on in middle school. Whichever addiction you chose, make sure you’re really into it and it’s more important than any pressing responsibility you may have.
Step Three: Stock your house with snacks.
There’s nothing worse than when you have to shower and go outside of your house to get food. As soon as you get home, go grocery shopping. Make a list of all the foods you’ve been craving while at school. For example, I’ve missed strawberries and whipped cream and enchiladas. Yummy! Once you have your list, buy everything. I mean everything: cookies, crackers, hot sauce, yogurt, margarita mix. And remember, calories don’t count while you’re on vacation. You can starve yourself when you get back to school. As much as we like the Bates and Pub workers, they can’t make carbs taste as good as they do back home, so fill up for the rest of the semester. Also, for the few of you who actually drive, remember to make those midnight trips to In ‘n’ Out and Taco Bell. Drive-thrus should be appreciated while they can. Oh, and don’t forget to guilt trip your parents into cooking for you as much as you can. The best way for you to do that is to compliment their cooking as much as possible and whine about how much you’ve missed your Mom’s lasagna or your Dad’ mashed potatoes. Sucking up will get you everywhere. But what am I saying? You’re a Sarah Lawrence student. You know that from conferences.
Step Four: Acquire reading material.
It really sucks when your eyes get tired from watching too much TV, but it’s a first-world problem we all have to deal with. Whenever my eyes give out on me, I switch to books. It doesn’t have to be literature, just something that keeps you turning those pages. Read all those books you got for Christmas, steal your friends books and never give them back, or go check out books and boys at your local library. Whatever you do, find something that doesn’t remind you of school. It’s an unforgivable crime to do schoolwork while you’re on spring break. So if you’re planning on using your spring break to catch up on your reading for class, I spit on your work ethic.
If you’re looking for book recommendations, I have a million. If you want to be really depressed, read some Murakami. If you want something extremely predictable and easy to read, try The Hunger Games. Worse comes to worst, you can re-read the Harry Potter series, but it’s sad now that the movies are over, too.
Step Five: Come up with a wild spring break story.
If you don’t want to tell your friends that you spent the entire spring break watching soap operas and designing your Sim’s homes, come up with a really interesting, pretentious lie. Include how you helped people that were beneath you, or how you spent your time writing your new novel about the post-colonial struggle in Africa. Your story should showcase you as smart, generous, and creative. A great thing to mention is that you spoke on a panel. That’ll give you smart points up the wazoo. You could also mention things like open-mic nights, volunteer work, theatre productions, and working with school children. Just make it seem like you spent the spring break growing as a person.
If you have cool friends, like me, you can tell them what you actually did and they’ll think you’ve grown as a person. But if you need to keep your hipster cred, just change ‘watched Bridezillas’ to ‘viewed a series of documentaries about take-charge women in a cruel environment.’ People will eat that right up.
Featured Image: Ethos Magazine