A Hipster’s Dream Not Come True

Are you feeling a little sexually frustrated? Do you have an itch that needs to be scratched? Are you in the mood for a little lovin’? If you answered yes to any of these questions, haul your ass to the rockin’, sock hoppin’, West Point formal dance and get your groove on with a solider. No, I’m not kidding. Sarah Lawrence students have been invited to West Point for a little bump and grind.

If you pay a whoppin’ three bucks, you can stand awkwardly against a wall and have your pick of any conservative with a buzz cut. It’s a hipster’s dream not come true. A crowded auditorium covered in streamers (imagine how many trees had to die for those decorations) with hundreds of eligible single men with tattoos of American flags and Jesus on their chests. They’ll play mainstream music, have unspiked fruit punch, and you might even get to see some good fistpumping action. It’ll be like reliving your middle school years except without the Fall Out Boy and braces.

Just imagine, standing in your vintage dress being chatted up by a not-so dreamy solider that thinks Bob Dylan is overrated. It takes you a whole five minutes to discover that he’s never read Nietzsche, he’s not a vegetarian or a vegan, and he thinks Occupy Wall Street is bullshit. So maybe he’s not your Prince Charming, but he’s the one who’s closed minded, right?

I actually think this dance is a social experiment to figure out how desperate Sarah Lawrence girls actually are. I mean, it’s fucking ridiculous to think that you’re going to find your soul mate at a military school. It’s actually dumb as shit to think you might even get laid going to the dance. The boys will hear the word “feminist” slip from your mouth and you’ll be left to prove that you can survive without a man.

But if you really want to find a nice hunky military man, you’ll just have to suck it up and say these four words, “I love Ronald Regan.” But be careful, republican is a very contagious, sexually transmitted disease. So don’t be a fool, and wrap that right-winged tool.

But hey, it won’t be all bad. If you bring a flask, you can play a West Point drinking game. Here’s how you play: Take a sip every time you find a guy who’s married. Take a gulp every time you talk to someone who likes Sarah Palin. And start chugging if you meet a member of the Tea Party. If you’re drunk, listening to some asshole talk about guns and trucks won’t be so bad, will it? I guess you’ll just have to wait and see. Oh, and remember, no drunkness will be tolerated. So just tell everyone you have some kind of funky organic water in your flask. No one will suspect anything.

If nothing else, it can be a story you can tell your kids. You’ll be sitting by the fireplace looking at old photo albums and your youngest will point to a picture from the dance and innocently ask, “Mom, where’s this one from?” And you’ll be like, “Oh, that’s from the time when mommy got drunk and grinded against a Republican.” Everyone makes mistakes, right?

Shannon Elward is just your average California girl. She’s obsessed with hot sauce, Gilmore Girls, and the smell of the rain. When she’s not studying writing, literature, or physics, she’s busy playing Halo and watching reality TV. Her lifelong goal is to be either a Disney princess or a professor at Hogwarts.

2 Comments

  • Reply November 26, 2011

    Ari Jones

    Wow. I mean, I agree to some extent that some girls probably went just to oggle strapping men, but that doesn’t mean that they all want to jump into bed with the first “buzz cut.” Some people just wanted to get off campus and see some new faces in an albeit controlled, but reasonably social setting. Is that so terrible?

    However, I will say that I did not go. Too much work. I just know people who actually enjoyed themselves and met guys who were *gasp* nice to talk to.

  • Reply February 6, 2012

    Davis

    I normally don’t get offended by things, but this article really pissed me off. My father graduated from west point, taught there, and is heavily involved with the school. Because of his career in the military, I am fortunate enough to be able to attend Sarah Lawrence. West Point prides itself on an academic excellence and integrity SLC, and literally every college in the entire United States, is incapable of.
    I love Sarah Lawrence and I love West Point and I think you represent everything wrong with this school.

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